Editors Note: I just found this mystifying and super-fresh ballad by Tasty Yumyum in the post queue. It took me a couple reads to get the words to fit into my brain—I suggest you do the same. Read on and enjoy Salamander Dunderhead
Salamander Dunderhead could eat a loaf of WonderBread
She’d top a slice with peanut butter then the rest with jam
When Salamander’s pals demanded “Share!” and “Tear asunder bread!”
She said aloof, “What, split the loaf? No way, it’s who I am.”
So Salamander Dunderhead lost all her friends who shunned instead
The girl with all the WonderBread who wouldn’t share a slice
They banned her, Salamander, from their games for who could stand her?
This Dunderhead with WonderBread who wasn’t very nice.
Soon Salamander Dunderhead was broke from buying WonderBread
And then she had to plunder buns and hang around with misfits
And in time all the bakeries wised up to all her fakeries
The clever tricks and ruses that she used for scoring biscuits.
And now without a yeasty feast this Dunderhead became a beast
She screamed aloud from west to east and cried from north to south
“I’m Salamander Dunderhead, I’ll NEVER share my WonderBread
And I will pummel poor bums’ gums for crumbs to fill my mouth!!”
Alas, that silly Dunderhead, under a bench they found her dead
And ‘round her frozen body there were crumbs, but only smidgeons
And officers who did inspect her dunderhead, they found it pecked
A victim of a surly group of bagel-loving pigeons.
And so they laid her under bed of dirt, that silly Dunderhead
And all her former friends chipped in and placed some buns upon her
And when they eat of sandwiches replete with tasty WonderBread
They crush their crusts into the ground in Salamander’s honour.
Fin (or claw or wing or what have you).