Day One: Fake Reviews

Against all medical advice, common sense, and concern for my well-being, I’ve decided to go ahead with the NaNoWriMo iPhone Challenge.

I didn’t feel like writing yesterday though, so instead I wrote a bunch of fake reviews to put on my book jacket when it gets published. Does this go towards my word count? Someone consult the official NaNo rules.

Anyways, here’s what I did instead of work on my novel:

“Ian Worte’s debut novel poses the grandest threat to the survival of the English language since the Spanish Armada.”

—New York Times literary review

“This novel is not only an affront to literature, it’s an affront to the whole of western civilization.”

—The Globe and Mail

“I’ve never in my life have I supported the concept of burning books. After reading Ian Worte’s debut novel…I do.”

—Vanity Fair

“Ian Worte’s writing is so atrocious that I couldn’t even get past the first sentence.”

—The New Yorker

“What’s another word for ‘nauseating’?”

—The New Statesman

“Dear Mr. Worte, We regret to inform you that we will not be considering your… “novel?” … for the Nobel Prize for Literature. Sincerely, The Nobel Prize Committee.”

“To call Ian Worte’s first novel ‘unreadable’ would be an insult to things that don’t have words on them.”

—Marcus Carab

“November Spawned a Monster”


2 thoughts on “Day One: Fake Reviews”

  1. Boyo, you’ve shifted aim from Kirk Gibson to Ed Wood in this current ambitiously downward cycle. Maybe a NaNoWriMo memoir this time around? Or will you hit the canvas only to bounce back up as if from a trampoline surface to deliver the Wortean haymaker our glass chins crave? We shall then find ourselves lying in happy stupor amongst the jagged peanut shells and reeking beer puddles of the tavern floor murmuring, “The kid’s a contender.”

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