Hey there fellow authors, hope you’ve got your heads screwed on straight. Stoves here. So I haven’t been two hours out of the hoosegow when my agent calls me up & says I’m washed up if I don’t get my ass in gear and write something on the quick to justify printing my name on his lousy agency masthead. It transpires that everything I’ve ever published is now officially out of print, the last 20,000 unsellable crates of Rawest of the Groins having been committed to the pulper just last month. Here’s to that! I can’t say that it’s my favourite work, although my editor did mention she drank only marginally while working on it. I suppose it’s time to replenish the coffers and restore my legacy. No matter, there’s more where that came from.
So I stroll into my agent’s office and say this, with a great deal of flourish and pomp: memoir. Halton Stoves tells all. From the gutters to gilded greatness and back again. Volumes one through twelve, hardcover, gorgeous filigreed spine, gold leaf and the whole kit. He threw up all over his desk a couple times, but I happen to know he’s not a well man. I expect to hear from him with all due enthusiasm very soon. Also the cheque I sent him in recompense for my bail money bounced. I’m sure we’ll be in touch.
In the meantime I’ve had a good look at this fine roster of mostly nobodies and ex-bughouse patrons and I’ve got to say I’m keen to see what you’re going to bring to the table. I recognize a few names from the literary circuit and various university bars and notice with no small apprehension that my old rival for both the Nebula and Whitbread (not to mention the attentions of the reading public in general) that ersatz Swede Tasty Yumyum is aboard for this rickety downhill hellride. For brevity’s sake (I’ve got to call my parole officer soon) let’s just say sir that awards aren’t everything and I hope you spent the money well. Also I enjoyed your speech at the Andy Griffith roast—I can’t say your comments were warranted necessarily, but I was glad not to have been the only person to be forcibly ejected that night. Well gentle readers, That will have to be it for now as my stenographer seems to have either fallen asleep or expired.